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Has my swing jacket swung?

A few weeks ago I bought a navy swing jacket from Nicole Farhi. Now you buy canada goose jacket online canada say the swing jacket is over. I paid 300 squid for it. When you say over, do you mean over like skinny jeans, which even K Moss is still wearing?L Grant, by email

Ms Grant, you have hit upon a crucial truth in the fashion world in that there is Out and there is In but it is the degrees of Out-ageness wherein the truths are revealed. It’s like archaeology, you see: only the most subtle of experts can divine the differences between the delicate layers and variations and, in doing so, prove their best price for canada goose jacket wisdom. Plus pickaxes are very hot this season. Possibly.

To whit, when a Fashion Person (hereon referred to as FP) describes a look as In they mean something that no one else is wearing aside from them, other FPs and a model on the Prada catwalk. When anyone else describes something buy canada goose jacket london as In they mean something that everybody is wearing and is currently in the windows of New Look.

This comes down to linguistic confusion, as it so often does in these kinds of global misunderstandings. Whereas FPs see fashion as a means of exclusion — ie, «I’m fashionable, you’re not» — most other people, particularly the sweet birds of youth, also known as teenagers, see it as an expression of inclusions — ie, «Look, I’m wearing a military jacket, too, yeah? I must be cool.»

Thus, as you so astutely point out, now that Kate Moss has disseminated her skinny jeans among the masses FPs are dismissing them as Out. But they, like your jacket, are merely at level 1 Out-ness: tainted by the hands of the general public, but still just about acceptable, yet only if you pair them with something really fashion forward that no one else will have and will mark you out as truly dedicated to the cause of pointless originality. A weird top, perhaps. Or possibly some really impractical shoes. Or, in Miss Moss’s case, a very annoying boyfriend who has an unfortunate tendency to run off and hole himself up in a dirty squat with a bunch of teenagers to play acoustic guitar while still sporting a tourniquet on his upper arm. Can’t buy one of those in Topshop, I’d wager. Mind you, who knows what accessories Kate has included in her Topshop range?

What is the relationship between age and acceptable hair length? Howard Booth, Edinburgh

There is, of course, buy canada goose parka cheap a strict mathematical correlation for most fashion quandaries. For example, if x equals skirt length and buy canada goose parka uk y denotes heel height and z is appearance of sluttishness then -x multiplied by ycubed = z to the power of 10. You see, yes?

The relationship between age and hair length has a similar form of calibration. Frankly, women’s hair is far too complex a subject to be broached in one question — hell, in one newspaper, even. I assume, Howard, that you are man and, being a man, are undoubtedly self-obsessed and mean this question about your own gender.

In short, only the very young and very cute can get away with hair that grows further than the nape: Keanu Reeves in his earlier films (especially Parenthood, especially during his unjustly little-noted speech about the importance of masturbation for young men) cg, Gael Garcia Bernal in the Amores Perros years — good; Peter Stringfellow and Axl Rose — bad. We’ve discussed this before at a length that could probably rival Slash’s tresses.

But the (semi) new point here is that it’s not so much age that’s the issue as the motive. If you are growing your hair downwards to compensate for the lack on top then stop and desist: you fool no one and will end up with what will look like a dying crop circle atop your head. Nor will your flowing locks allow you to cling on to this leaky boat we call life for any years longer than a short back and sides. Look, if even Anna Nicole Smith, God rest her soul, could not convince aged billionaire J Howard Marshall to stick around in this world any longer than 13 months of marriage, it’s unlikely that some extra strands of hair will work, right?

I read that Kate Moss is no longer considered fashionable. Who should I be copying now, then?Anna Marie Lewis, London

Well, let us reiterate who has decided that Kate Moss, who seems to be Theme of the Week on this page, is no best place buy canada goose jacket toronto longer fashionable. FHM. That’s right — FHM. In its poll of «Top 100 Women We Regularly Get Hairy Hands Over» (possibly paraphrased, possibly not), Moss did not get a look-in. Well, golly, if FHM says it, it must be true, right?

Mind you, that theory would suggest that women’s clothes in general are tres passé, seeing as the models in that fine publication have shown a marked reluctance to wear any for the past decade. More interesting is how any statement of buy canada goose jacket cheap belief, buy canada goose parka cheap from no matter how unlikely a source, is canada goose coat 1000 bulbs lamps now seen as a fact. Hence the rise in celebrity magazines in which vague suppositions («Britney, according to close sources, has been reevaluating her life on a daily basis …») are presented as hot breaking news stories.

So let’s see if we can do something similar around here. Who should you be copying now? Well, Ann Widdecombe is quite the look best place to buy a canada goose jacket of the summer, all those long floral skirts and jaunty jackets. And have you seen Helena Bonham Carter recently? My word, Amy Winehouse is totally surfing her vibe. Available from Topshop by Friday, you mark my words.

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